I saw you on W5 last night. We all know what a sensational athlete you are. You make me proud to be a Canadian. I have never been more proud of you than I was last night though. We will all be cheering you on as you make the cross country trek for Mental Health Awareness and the stigma that is attached with depression and anxiety.
It is with your courage I am going to attack mine and come clean about my depression and anxiety. I have always managed it sort of speak, until this year when it made an appearance front and center. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not in bed for days crippled by it, I function, but just.
Working in the media and the public eye as you know you have to keep a positive front. Mine is “happy go lucky positive girl” who supposedly has got the world by a string. However, I carry the weight of the world some days. Lots of people think if you “have it all” why on earth would you be depressed? Thank heavens I have a wonderful doctor who explained to me it was more of a physical problem than a “mental” problem. The wires just got crossed a bit, and just needed to be untangled. I lost my spirit this year. My sweet innocence, somehow slipped through my fingers, I was emotionally battered and bruised and to be honest wondered if I would trust again.
My fans I am sure see the positive posts and messages I pass on through social media and on air but I don’t always practice it. Until recently I did not realize that anxiety, anger, mood swings, low self esteem were symptoms of depression just to name a few.
I have sat quietly with my shame, embarrassed by it, especially when I see people with much bigger problems and health challenges. I have been told by others, myself included, to snap out of it, or suck it up, stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Someone I trusted tried to “out” me about my combative side and I decided to deal with it head on. In the process I have lost loved ones who could not stay the course with me, but I also have discovered who my true friends and loved ones are and who love every bit of me, even the darker side. I am sure you can relate with that loving husband. You are so lucky. I hope I can trust again. I want somoen to “have my back”
I know where the demons come from and I have found someone to unravel them and get rid of them once and for all. I have taken the steps to walk through the fire, to trust people and most importantly myself. You Clara Hughes have given me the courage to take a giant leap of faith and trust myself and not feel shame. I live in the present moment, I am grateful, I meditate and am smiling again.
It’s risky I know. I may lose some loved ones who don’t understand, maybe even ruin my chance of love again or jeopardize my career. So be it. I have nothing to hide anymore. I am not hiding in dark corners. In fact for the first time in a long time I am believing in myself and what I offer as a loving spirit. I am raw, emotional and ready. I have taken the steps I need to feel better and let go of the past which has crippled me for years.
Clara Hughes I hope I can bike a bit of the journey with you, because of you are my trailblazer.
And on a personal note…….you my fans of my radio show…probably help fix my weary heart.
God Speed Rock Star xox