So much has happened in the past year. The good old ego took a couple hits in love in work and in life. You know how it is. The best laid plans. Not so much.
There is nothing more humbling in life than admitting you could have done better. Lots of us say well “I did my best”. I don’t always believe that. When something falls apart in front of your eyes in the moment it’s easy to use that throwaway line. Then the elusive water under the bridge ripples and collects and before you know it your cup runneth over. The ego I am talking about.
I have developed such a thick skin, an armour full of knicks and scrapes it is no wonder I have become the Queen of deflection. The Queen of excuses. I acted this way because of this, I don’t trust because of that. Blah blah blah. When have you truly owned something. Have you ever admitted I am angry, untrusting, jealous, insecure, doubtful, full of anxiety that master of worst case scenarios.
How often have you acted in poor behavior just because you are being an idiot. Nothing more too it. Not because this person did this to you or that. No one and I repeat no one can force you to act a certain way.
I know I walk the walk for the most part of a woman and confident and somewhat graceful, (lol) and like to think as I approach my 50th year…….I have it mostly figured out. Not even close. This isn’t going to be easy to admit. I recently said some unpleasant things about someone I don’t really know but that I know through someone. This friend of mine loved this person deeply, and got hurt, I pretended to know why and how this broke him. And to this day my friend still doesn’t say anything bad about this person he loved even after he was wrecked by this human. I tried to figure out why it made me so angry that he couldn’t get angry at her or the situation. Love. Pure Selfless Love. Oh and my favourite F word. Forgiveness. Wait that’s the second favorite f word. French fry is my first.
It made me crazy with envy. How could you care so much for someone who hurt you so badly.
The removal of ego. I do not remember many relationships where I said pleasant things about the person after they hurt me. There was as always a lot of blame.
So this is what I did. I wrote a short note to each and every person that has broken my heart, betrayed me, lied, cheated, whatever it might have been. And all I wrote was “Dear …………..I wish you nothing but happiness, thank you for being in my life and leaving it as well.” These letters will never be sent but needed to be written.
Then I wrote a letter of forgiveness to myself. For the crappy things I have done and said to myself and to others. I want you to live your life as you see fit. Do what makes you happy, release the anger and the blame and most of all be kind to yourself…because no one knows you better than you.
I wish you a loving joyous holiday season
All my Love and Gratitude,